Thoughts about Singing (and Life)

When I was in high school, I was training to be a classical singer. I was a baritone with a few more high notes than other baritones, giving me hopes that one day I could become a tenor. Tenors were badly needed, so that my director put me in the tenor section, hoping that I would be a good contribution.

I wanted so badly to be a tenor, because most of the leading male parts in musicals are tenors. Most of my favorite male singers were tenors. Having the potential to become one, I worked so hard trying to strengthen and expand my high register. I would try too hard to hit the notes and end up flatting. I would get sick constantly, and it would take forever for my voice to recover due to the strains I put on it. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I spent most of each year coughing.

Fortunately, any damage I had done to my voice when I was younger didn't last permanently--it was great to be that young. But if there was one advice somebody could have given me then, it would be this: Relax, kid! You're in fucking high school. You have your whole life ahead of you. Your voice is still changing, and will continue to change for a very long time. And it will change however it wants to change; no matter how hard you force it, it is out of your control.

Harder than I worked to be a tenor, I worked to resist being a baritone. Most of the time I insisted on trapping myself in my head voice, trying to sound pretty to avoid developing that warm baritone sound. I turned out to be a nasally, mousy singer who sharped and flatted constantly because I didn't use proper techniques. I never developed I great classical voice suitable for operas. I spent those years hating myself for the bad singer that I was. Had I embraced my baritone self, I might have felt better about myself, and life could have turned out differently.

I'm not writing this because I feel sorry for myself that I didn't become an opera singer. I have found other things in life that I enjoy so much more. I'm writing this because I spent many years thinking a lot about my voice, and from time to time I still do. It is still my source of creativity, and I incorporate it into so many things that I do. Thinking about this today makes me realize the importance of accepting who you are and living in the moment. I have found an art form wherein I can be myself and use everything that I have. Realizing what you have and learning to use it is very necessary. For a long time I felt useless, but now I know that I'm not--I just chose to trap myself and my talents instead of letting it evolve. Once I learned to embrace myself, I realized my full potential, and it's fun.