Changes

Changes are scary, always have been and probably will always be. If you're like me, you have a tendency to think too far ahead, and your thoughts tend to steer toward the negatives. Then you waste a lot of time worrying about nothing and freaking out for no reason, instead of being present, looking around, and realizing that change can be a good think.

I should have learned long ago that you can't plan life. Many things happen unexpectedly, and instead of freaking out about that, why not see it as exciting? A few years ago I worried that I would have nothing to do once I graduated from college, then I found improv. I worried about not being able to get into grad school, then I got in. I worried about moving to Canada, then I decided not to go. There are always options, always new things getting tossed at you, and that isn't always bad.

I wanted change. Since the beginning of the year I realized that many things in my life were not working, and I desperately needed something to change. I just didn't know how to make it happen, and since changes were so scary it was difficult to take that first step. But then life threw a curve ball at me. After nearly a year of intended unemployment--I wanted to take the time off to do the things I cared about instead of making money--I have finally reentered the workforce. It's not to make money but to help my parents out. They own a restaurant, and some of their employees were leaving, so they needed someone to fill in until they could hire new workers, however long that may be.

At first I freaked out. I didn't know if I could deal with the extra things in my schedule. I didn't know if I could do the job that I didn't particular like and sacrifice my time for it. Above all, I didn't know how I could stand being away from the Brody. For a year and a half it had been something I heavily committed to, and now I wouldn't be able to be there all the time and doing the tasks I had been doing almost every week. I was sick of those tasks and needed a break from them, but I didn't think it would be without a choice. That it happened this way was unexpected and terrifying, but once I calmed down I realized that it was all for the best.

I'm making money now. I can afford to buy frivolous things and take expensive improv classes. I learn how to pace myself so that I can still make time and preserve energy for my writing. Aside from missing a few shows each week, not much of my previous life was changed or terminated. In fact, it was nice to be busy and to have somewhere to go. It feels great to be helping my parents out. We don't get along all that well, so that I've been trying to avoid them as much as I could. But now it's time to start the healing process.

I try to spend more time with friends. When you work hard you also have to play hard to balance things out. It gives me something to look forward to after work. Great conversations, mild drinking and watching movies are enough to make my night.

I meditate and practice mindfulness. It reminds me to calm down and appreciate the good side of everything. I still freak out sometimes, but I've been getting better at catching myself doing it and telling myself to stop. I know I'll probably be dealing with anxieties all my life, but at least now I'm learning how to cope with them.