I don't like me right now. Maybe it's the Fall, or maybe certain things are just getting old, but I've been depressed, and I don't like it. I feel like shit about myself. I'm lazy and I eat too much. I don't feel active or energetic. I sleep at odd hours and I don't sleep enough. I obviously also think a lot of self-deprecating thoughts.
Not too long ago I was so content with myself and my life. I felt fine, good, and great. Generally I was well. Not a lot in my life had changed since then, except for me. I need to go back to feeling that way again.
Part of it might have to do with the fact that I haven't been doing improv in a few weeks. But my new class is starting tomorrow. I'm not expecting it to solve all my problems, but I hope it makes some difference.
I'm sharing this with you now because I need you to witness me making a promise to myself that I will change, that starting now I'm gonna work my way back to my blissful state. If we talk sometime in the future and I complain about how depressed I am, please remind me that it is within my power to flip the switch, and tell me to stop whining about it already.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
This and That
It's my day off, and I intentionally deprived myself of a few hours of sleep last night in order to have more time to enjoy today. Well, it's 4pm and I haven't really done anything yet. I read a short story, meditated, and watched a bunch of videos on Youtube--this is not what I call productive.
Sometime last month I realized I wasn't writing anything good, and that the problem I had with my writing was my lacks of creativity. This prompted me to take a break from writing for a while so that I didn't keep having reasons to feel like a failure, and also to expand my knowledge of the world and enhance my creativity. I've been watching a lot of films and operas, and watching less TV. I've also been reading more non-fiction. The very act of doing something different alone should help me out with my writing.
Actually it was in September that I realized I needed to watch more films. Sometime in college I got really into TV shows, and ever since then I had been watching more and more. While it's fun to watch these shows, the fast-paced storytelling had massively shrunken my attention span, making it hard for me to sit still and watch a film, even a 90-minute one. I decided to force myself to watch at least four movies a month, and succeeded. The following month I watched five. And this month--it's only the 11th--and I have already watched four. I try to vary my choices based on genres and time periods, but mostly I gravitate toward films from the 60s, just because I like the style of filmmaking and acting of the time. I enjoy films a whole lot now. In fact, I don't even want to go through a whole day without watching one. And while watching a lot of TV makes me not want to read, watching films doesn't have the same effect.
I'm already aching to get back to doing some writing, but I'm gonna hold out a little longer. There is still a lot to learn.
Sometime last month I realized I wasn't writing anything good, and that the problem I had with my writing was my lacks of creativity. This prompted me to take a break from writing for a while so that I didn't keep having reasons to feel like a failure, and also to expand my knowledge of the world and enhance my creativity. I've been watching a lot of films and operas, and watching less TV. I've also been reading more non-fiction. The very act of doing something different alone should help me out with my writing.
Actually it was in September that I realized I needed to watch more films. Sometime in college I got really into TV shows, and ever since then I had been watching more and more. While it's fun to watch these shows, the fast-paced storytelling had massively shrunken my attention span, making it hard for me to sit still and watch a film, even a 90-minute one. I decided to force myself to watch at least four movies a month, and succeeded. The following month I watched five. And this month--it's only the 11th--and I have already watched four. I try to vary my choices based on genres and time periods, but mostly I gravitate toward films from the 60s, just because I like the style of filmmaking and acting of the time. I enjoy films a whole lot now. In fact, I don't even want to go through a whole day without watching one. And while watching a lot of TV makes me not want to read, watching films doesn't have the same effect.
I'm already aching to get back to doing some writing, but I'm gonna hold out a little longer. There is still a lot to learn.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Recent Thoughts About Improv
One night I couldn't sleep and wrote all this up. I didn't post it right away, wanting to take some time rereading and making sure that I really mean everything I say. Nearly two weeks later, here it is:
I have been doing improv for almost two years, and during that time I have learned and formulated many thoughts regarding the art form. Some of them I still believe to this day, and some of them I have rendered false. These are what have been in my head recently. I may change my mind about them later, but, as is in improv, it is all about here and now.
1. The best improv classes I have had are ones that is beneficial to me NOW. That is, if I quit doing improv tomorrow, I wouldn't look back and feel like I have wasted a lot of time and money on it for nothing. What improv is doing to me today is more important than what it might do for me in the future.
2. I don't think we should aspire to be like anybody else. We shouldn't look for role models in somebody who is more talented and successful than us. Aspiring only keeps us from seeing and improving ourselves, and from being where we are.
3. Thinking about fame and fortune only keeps you from doing good works. It also keeps you from being a decent person. This applies to all kinds of artists.
4. It's annoying to listen to someone talking about how passionate they are about improv, how improv can save the world, and how everybody should do it. It doesn't cure cancer. It's just an art form. GET OVER IT.
5. Talking about improv just takes away the energy from doing good improv.
6. Just like everything else in the world, improv isn't for everybody. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't like it. Try pottery.
7. If you constantly quote improv books in conversations, you probably have yet to internalize the knowledge and practice what you preach.
8. I'd rather do an unfunny scene than get laughs from making a mockery of the theater by playing caricatures.
9. Instead of telling students not to try to be funny, improv teachers should teach them how to do a good, wholesome yet non-comedic scene.
10. During class, instead of trying to be a better improviser, I constantly try to be a better person.
I have been doing improv for almost two years, and during that time I have learned and formulated many thoughts regarding the art form. Some of them I still believe to this day, and some of them I have rendered false. These are what have been in my head recently. I may change my mind about them later, but, as is in improv, it is all about here and now.
1. The best improv classes I have had are ones that is beneficial to me NOW. That is, if I quit doing improv tomorrow, I wouldn't look back and feel like I have wasted a lot of time and money on it for nothing. What improv is doing to me today is more important than what it might do for me in the future.
2. I don't think we should aspire to be like anybody else. We shouldn't look for role models in somebody who is more talented and successful than us. Aspiring only keeps us from seeing and improving ourselves, and from being where we are.
3. Thinking about fame and fortune only keeps you from doing good works. It also keeps you from being a decent person. This applies to all kinds of artists.
4. It's annoying to listen to someone talking about how passionate they are about improv, how improv can save the world, and how everybody should do it. It doesn't cure cancer. It's just an art form. GET OVER IT.
5. Talking about improv just takes away the energy from doing good improv.
6. Just like everything else in the world, improv isn't for everybody. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't like it. Try pottery.
7. If you constantly quote improv books in conversations, you probably have yet to internalize the knowledge and practice what you preach.
8. I'd rather do an unfunny scene than get laughs from making a mockery of the theater by playing caricatures.
9. Instead of telling students not to try to be funny, improv teachers should teach them how to do a good, wholesome yet non-comedic scene.
10. During class, instead of trying to be a better improviser, I constantly try to be a better person.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
How am I?
Sometimes I get annoyed when people ask me how I am. I don't like to lie, and at the same time I don't always feel well. I don't want to say that I'm well when I'm not, and I don't want to elaborate on why I don't feel well. A lot of times I can tell that people expect me to say that I'm well, and when I say that I'm not--that I'm angry, unhappy, etc--they look at me weird as if nobody in the world is supposed to feel anything but fine, so-so, or okay.
It has become a habit of mine to tell people the truth when they ask me how I am. I started doing it when I was in high school, because I recognized that the question was merely customary and I wanted to disturb the universe by treating it as genuine. It backfired on me because people started thinking I'm a weirdo for being so unhappy so often. I'm sorry my life is sucking a lot right now. Trust me it hurts me more than it hurts you. I get angry a lot these days. I'm trying to do something about it. In the meantime, please respect the state I'm in. If you don't want a negative response, or if you don't really care, don't ask me how I am.
It has become a habit of mine to tell people the truth when they ask me how I am. I started doing it when I was in high school, because I recognized that the question was merely customary and I wanted to disturb the universe by treating it as genuine. It backfired on me because people started thinking I'm a weirdo for being so unhappy so often. I'm sorry my life is sucking a lot right now. Trust me it hurts me more than it hurts you. I get angry a lot these days. I'm trying to do something about it. In the meantime, please respect the state I'm in. If you don't want a negative response, or if you don't really care, don't ask me how I am.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Reading for Fun?
(from my other blog: books for lunch)
I used to love reading, then I started hating it but continued to do it anyway, and now I’m beginning to love it again--and here is why:
My love for reading began when I was in middle school. I could barely speak English at the time and didn’t have any friends. Back then there wasn’t enough on the Internet to distract me, so that I read to keep myself entertained and to learn English. I was lonely and had a lot of free time on my hand, so that it didn’t take long for my reading to improve. Pretty soon I graduated from picture books for little kids to young adult novels. Those were fun. I was almost always excited to discover new stories and get to know new characters. Oftentimes I was compelled to keep reading even when my eyes were exhausted. Anybody who loves to read probably understands what that’s like.
All that joy gradually decreased as my interest in literature became serious, probably somewhere around senior year in high school. I was obsessed with wanting to be well-read, wanting to read everything that I heard mentioned in films or television, as well as in conversations with others. Before I knew it I had majored in English in college, studying literature like my life depended on it.
I loved being an English major, and I love studying literature. However, it had taken the joy out of reading. I started choosing the books to read based on their literary significance, not because they interest me. In the past I would look at the cover, read the flap to find out what the book was about, and if it sounded good I would read it. Nowadays I don’t even know what most of the books I choose to read are about. I don’t take the time to read the flap because it doesn’t matter--the book is significant and that means I have to read it regardless of whether or not it sounds interesting. Most of the time this results in a boring and excruciating reading experience. I don’t get excited to read anymore as it had become a chore, and very rarely do I find a book that I truly enjoy.
Well, all that is about to change. Last week I went to Powell’s to kill some time. Browsing the shelves in the blue room, I remembered why I used to love reading so much. There were so many interesting books I had never heard of. I decided that it was time to stop being such a scholar and just be a reader, just pick up anything that might interest me and read with joy again. I still have a long list of books I’m trying to read by the end of the year, but I intend to make some time for the ones that didn’t make it to the list just to retrieve my love for reading once again.
And now I have to go. I have some reading to do.
I used to love reading, then I started hating it but continued to do it anyway, and now I’m beginning to love it again--and here is why:
My love for reading began when I was in middle school. I could barely speak English at the time and didn’t have any friends. Back then there wasn’t enough on the Internet to distract me, so that I read to keep myself entertained and to learn English. I was lonely and had a lot of free time on my hand, so that it didn’t take long for my reading to improve. Pretty soon I graduated from picture books for little kids to young adult novels. Those were fun. I was almost always excited to discover new stories and get to know new characters. Oftentimes I was compelled to keep reading even when my eyes were exhausted. Anybody who loves to read probably understands what that’s like.
All that joy gradually decreased as my interest in literature became serious, probably somewhere around senior year in high school. I was obsessed with wanting to be well-read, wanting to read everything that I heard mentioned in films or television, as well as in conversations with others. Before I knew it I had majored in English in college, studying literature like my life depended on it.
I loved being an English major, and I love studying literature. However, it had taken the joy out of reading. I started choosing the books to read based on their literary significance, not because they interest me. In the past I would look at the cover, read the flap to find out what the book was about, and if it sounded good I would read it. Nowadays I don’t even know what most of the books I choose to read are about. I don’t take the time to read the flap because it doesn’t matter--the book is significant and that means I have to read it regardless of whether or not it sounds interesting. Most of the time this results in a boring and excruciating reading experience. I don’t get excited to read anymore as it had become a chore, and very rarely do I find a book that I truly enjoy.
Well, all that is about to change. Last week I went to Powell’s to kill some time. Browsing the shelves in the blue room, I remembered why I used to love reading so much. There were so many interesting books I had never heard of. I decided that it was time to stop being such a scholar and just be a reader, just pick up anything that might interest me and read with joy again. I still have a long list of books I’m trying to read by the end of the year, but I intend to make some time for the ones that didn’t make it to the list just to retrieve my love for reading once again.
And now I have to go. I have some reading to do.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Life's Little Interruptions
I once heard Martha Stewart describe her jail time as one of the "interruptions." She said that she thought her life was good and had always been good, except for these little interruptions. I randomly recalled this earlier today, and it made me feel instantly better about the state that I'm in. I used to think of life as a roller coaster ride, the way it goes up and down, and how it has to go down in order to go up again. But unhappiness can be so unbearable sometimes, and putting it that way didn't help much. Waiting for things to be good again is excruciating. But when I think of the tough times as insignificant interruptions, it somehow makes life simpler and more peaceful.
I visualize it like a long, smooth line, with a few dots here and there. If I really think about it, in my life so far the dots have been few and minuscule. And the further away I have moved from them, the smaller they become. In the end there will always be more of the line than the dots.
I visualize it like a long, smooth line, with a few dots here and there. If I really think about it, in my life so far the dots have been few and minuscule. And the further away I have moved from them, the smaller they become. In the end there will always be more of the line than the dots.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Meditation on my way home
I just biked home from Sellwood, something I have been doing a lot lately. My friend Laurel lives there, and I’ve been going to her house weekly to hang out and watch a movie with her. It’s something I have just started doing, and up until recently the whole area of Sellwood was unfamiliar to me. I’m getting to know it a little more each time. It was dark and cold on my way back, but the streets were empty and smooth. The trees were tall and mystical. Every time I took that route I promised myself I would come back during the day one of these days and explore the area. I want to get to know it better, because it is a part of the city that is still fresh and interesting to me, a part of the city that I have been living in for almost eleven years and still find little adventures here and there. I know I’ll have to leave Portland eventually, but right now I don’t feel the need to just yet. I’ll get tired of Sellwood eventually, and then my life will probably somehow lead me to a different neighborhood with which I’m still unfamiliar. And then I’ll get tired of all of them and want to leave, but somehow I believe I’ll probably end up leaving before that happens. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely glad to leave Portland.
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