(It's late and I don't have time to edit, so I apologize for whatever grammatical errors that might lie ahead.)
I grew up a Buddhist by default. I was born in Thailand where a majority of people were Buddhists, as were my parents and both of their families. Buddhism was also a subject taught in school, which meant that every child growing up in Thailand, regardless of his or her religion, had to study the teachings of the Buddha. In school we were also taught to meditate, which we did at school as a part of our ritual before class started.
I was, for a time, very interested in my religion. Having always had a spiritual tendency, I found the study of the teaching and the practice of meditation beneficial. They had helped me to deal with anger, confusion, anxiety, and whatever else I was experiencing at my age. Despite the fact that most people identified as Buddhists, however, not a lot of them actually studied or practiced the teachings outside of school, including my parents. Those who did were seen as odd and sometimes even ridiculed. I don’t recall having a hard time dealing with my religious identity. After all I was always an odd child for many reasons, and I wanted so much to be unique that I didn’t give a damn what anybody thought of me. It was the period in my life where I was most sure of myself.
As I got older, however, many circumstances caused me to veer away from Buddhism. A big part of it had to do with my immigrating to the United States. The way the monks here behaved, from what I heard, were different from what I was taught back home. I decided that I didn’t respect them, and because of that I had nowhere to go to keep my faith reaffirmed. I was also very drawn to the western culture by which I was all of a sudden surrounded. I thought, wrongly so, that most Americans were Christians, and that most Christians were Roman Catholic. I didn’t realize then that I was living in a liberal city, where I would be more discriminated against in school for being religious than for being Asian, gay, and an immigrant. My friends embraced all that I was except for my religion. They neither understood my need for spirituality and a sense of community, nor did they respect me and my choice.
Looking back I knew exactly why I wanted to be a Catholic. There was a church close by where I lived, and from the outside it was a beautiful building. I imagined that the inside of it probably looked as romantic as those churches I saw in films. When I finally went to St. Philip Neri for the first time, I immediately fell in love. It wasn’t as extravagant as in the movies, but it was very nice, as were the people there. But it took me a long time before I made that step. By then I had long given up on Buddhism. I had bought a copy of the Bible and started reading it. I also went to many Christian chatrooms and learned a lot from the discussion I was having with those Christians. At my first mass, everything was foreign and intriguing to me, and I must have loved it because I kept going back.
As a Christian I enjoyed having a god to talk and pray to. Buddhists didn’t have a deity, so that concept was new to me, and it took me a long time to convince myself that there really was a god and that he was listening. I succeeded. A few years later I was baptized. But by then I was no longer a regular church goer. I missed many masses, which meant that I also missed a lot of the classes I was supposed to go to before mass to prepare for my conversion. They let me “graduate,” but I wasn’t ready. Soon after that I stopped going to church. And a little while longer I would realize that if there really was a god he or she probably wouldn’t have time to listen to my prayers. And if he heard me he probably wouldn’t answer them. Why should he, when there is so much suffering in the world, when there are other needs much greater than mine that he neglected. I realized how significant prayers were to my faith, and without them there was nothing left for me in Christianity. I moved on.
During the past couple of years I was confronted with a lot of life’s daily obstacles. I realized that it was me who caused most of my sufferings. I didn’t like myself. I was too angry, too impatient, too insecure, too critical, too prejudiced, etc. I started turning to psychology to help me understand and deal with myself as well as others. While I enjoy my newfound passion, I felt that it wasn’t giving me the answer to my immediate needs, and I really in desperate needs for some answers. This year, especially, had been a lot more difficult than any period of time in my life, even during those adolescent years when I was adjusting to a whole new country and going through puberty and all that it entailed. Without going into details, I need peace more than ever. I started meditating regularly, which helped a lot, but not enough. It wasn’t until about a month ago that I checked out The Zencast, which is a podcast that compiles lectures from Buddhist teachers about the teachings of the Buddha. This was the answer I was looking for all along. It spoke directly to my needs. All this time I was running away from it, avoiding it, because I thought, “Well, I’ve been there, and I don’t want to do that again.” The idea of belonging to an organized religion yet again doesn’t appeal to me, but as I have always said about Buddhism, whenever someone asked me about my past with it, “I don’t see Buddhism so much as a religion, but as a set of practices that anybody could study and do. And when you do, there are both immediate and long-term results. It is scientific, because you can prove it, and practical.” Today I would also add that it is an early branch of psychology and philosophy that is both easy to understand and apply to your daily life. And since there is no deity, there is nobody to pledge your allegiance to. There is also no conversion, so anyone can just study and practice it without having to call herself a Buddhist.
Aside from the Zencast, I’ve been reading The Dhammapada, which is the scripture that is comprised of anecdotes and teachings of the Buddha. It is an easy and engaging read, and a wealth of wisdom in a small package. I am not a guru. I can neither teach you about Buddhism nor am I trying to convert anybody. I am only eager to share my experience with those who are interested. What prompted me to write this blog entry is to let you know that I have had a difficult year, and my study and practice have made it more bearable and me more content. If you have a stressful life or are unhappy for whatever reasons, and no matter what you’ve tried nothing seems to work, consider this an option. I can’t imagine it not working for anybody else.
